My sheets look like a crime scene.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
