Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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