can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Randomize
