i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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