i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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