This is not my ceiling
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
