i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
