1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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