You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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