There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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