i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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