Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
