'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Someone shit on the floor
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
