Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
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