you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
