i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
