we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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