was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
