Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
