if only i could text you this smell
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
