You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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