u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
