did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
