twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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