i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize