Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
