Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
her facebook's as public as her vagina
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Randomize
