I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
