i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
