I heard we made out
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
