If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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