I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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