Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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