put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
