I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
