I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
