:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
