I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
false alarm. still invincible.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
