I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize