I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
