Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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