btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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