Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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