Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
