When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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