If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
