As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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