I feel great
I just peed on a car
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
