Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
