so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
