She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize