Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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