Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
