It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
