how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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