He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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