My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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