I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
