I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i will never coherently bang her
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
