if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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