Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
