she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I FOUND THE LEGS
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
